Comparison is the thief of Joy- and other counseling take-aways

The couples counseling has proved to be very key on my way to personal happiness. Some good takeaways and some good practice on my shut up talking and listen skills (or development of this skill).
There has been much to hear and see but a few key points… there’s no such thing as a perfect Mommy, now that you have kids you never do get a break so not sure why you keep waiting for this “break”, and C and I need to stop competing. Oh and our new Mantra to adopt is “we’ve both had hectic fucking days in whatever fashion they manifested themselves in”. These are just a few of the things that have been earth moving.
I know “Duh!” there is no such thing as a perfect Mommy. I do know that, I’m not trying to be Martha Stewart or even have makeup on all the time. Ugh, but I can’t help but think maybe I don’t understand the level of perfection that I feel IS or IS NOT acceptable. As in, I still think in some weird subconscious way there is still a beautiful perfect Mommy outcome. And while I believe this should look a certain way I continue to fail myself to my own standards So I will need to continue and explore this.
The competing and the daily mantra… I like to think of it as the saying “comparison is the thief of joy”. The saying I’m sure, may be applied to various situations and comparisons including the have and have not’s, but I like to think of it here. In the place of C and I, and our constant comparing of motherly practices, and routines, our comparison of efforts towards maintaining the house, or hours worked outside the home. the comparing (or competing) is stealing so much joy.
Lastly, I wish to share other recent developments through counseling. As much as it hurts my heart, C has pretty much had her ass handed to her in the last two sessions. It hurts my heart as it would anyone that loves their other half so much. I sit there and I just want to protect her and her feelings, I don’t want her to feel alone, silenced or ganged up on. I don’t want her to cry or feel bad. But I also can’t help that our counselor is saying the things I feel, she is mediating the discussion that is needed. I feel understood and most, most importantly I do not feel crazy. I have to remember that even if C doesn’t think it’s fair, this is why we decided to go to counseling. We decided that we need help and mediation in order to be better all the way around. We decided that a unbiased third party could provide us with some important down-to -earth mediation. I feel bad, even writing this now wondering what day C will ask to finally read my blog, what will she feel when she reads this? It’s a painful position to play but I feel like there is a value. Value to the honestly, and the struggle is a small but painful price to gained peace and understanding at home.

Equality for Gingerbread- and the evolution of my Mother

My Mom has come a long way in her Lesbian and Gay education. I mean a long way… The path has been from “this is a phase” to “you are a pervert” to “if that makes you happy” to “how does that really work?” to “that lady off Sex and the City is gay and has a gay women partner” (Um yeah Mom I hope her partner is also gay?!?). Bringing us to “call me Mom”.
Without digging to far back to the coming out years- which are stories in themselves, my Mom at one time had to understand how the two women thing worked. No, I am not talking about sex thank God my Mom never asked me anything like that!! I can still remember her sweet and sarcastic yet honest face when she asked.
“Like how does that work? I mean even Noah had a wife, Noah did certain things on the ark…?” I had no idea what she meant. She continued, “Like, you know? Who kills the spiders, and who takes out the trash?” She kind of joked but with this questioning, sincere undertone suggesting she was open to answers. “Well Mom, I kill the bugs, because C is scared of them all, and we both take out the trash.” She kind of danced a little and tried to coax me into admitting I knew what she was thinking, but I wouldn’t budge. I did not know what she was thinking. I did not get it. Is she really implying that female and male roles dominate the earth revolving? That women would wade in their own trash until they moved away or hired a man to throw it away?? Mom are you saying you are against women working at pest control companies because their sheer biology will render them below standard in job performance? I did not budge. And my firmness sank in, and my confidence sank in, and it slowly seeped through her surface. She was understanding just very slowly. All of this because I was talking about two women who got married and both wore amazing gowns of their choice. She didn’t “get it” because she had known me to one time be with a women of a more masculine gender.  Two dresses was like overload for her. More education continues. More public figures come out, she meets more of the lesbians I know or date. And she better understands the difference between people and stereotypes. She has now even clarified if it is okay to tell C she looks pretty…? (C has no issue with the word pretty, being pretty, and you don’t have to be feminine to be pretty, but C is very feminine) “Yes, Mom you can tell her she looks pretty.”
Our daughter is born and both prior and after, C and I are very firm and confident about terms, explanations used, appropriate behaviors. For example we refer to a “donor” we do NOT say, our daughter’s “biological dad”. So I have had to be very stern with my Mom and education and sensitivity training. And my Mom has been performing well.

Fast forward to Christmas season 2012… My Mom brings my attention to an alarming discrimination discovered in one of the local grocery stores. I believe she is both surprised and proud of herself for unearthing this truly insensitive item. It is a Christmas place mat. a children’s plastic or vinyl place mat glittery and red and green. And on it, a gingerbread boy and a gingerbread girl and according to my Mom they are heterosexual girl and boy gingerbread people in a relationship. “What if that offends people? They didn’t even think that maybe they should have place mats with two gingerbread men or two gingerbread women? I looked and they only had them with a boy and a girl gingerbread on them.” I wasn’t sure I was really hearing this. My Mom passionately, and in her own intellectual fashion continued “I am just really surprised they didn’t give that any thought…” Ah yes, I appreciated the new found outlook. She has started, just barely, to catch a fraction of the border-less world in which I hope my daughter grows into. Even if it’s in the form of gingerbread place mats. Even if it was a little extreme, I’ll take it. I let her down easy “Wow, Mom that is a very interesting point. Or maybe the two gingerbread people are just kids? maybe siblings? and this way they can market the place mat to little boys and little girls? I guess we’ll never know huh?”