Comparison is the thief of Joy- and other counseling take-aways

The couples counseling has proved to be very key on my way to personal happiness. Some good takeaways and some good practice on my shut up talking and listen skills (or development of this skill).
There has been much to hear and see but a few key points… there’s no such thing as a perfect Mommy, now that you have kids you never do get a break so not sure why you keep waiting for this “break”, and C and I need to stop competing. Oh and our new Mantra to adopt is “we’ve both had hectic fucking days in whatever fashion they manifested themselves in”. These are just a few of the things that have been earth moving.
I know “Duh!” there is no such thing as a perfect Mommy. I do know that, I’m not trying to be Martha Stewart or even have makeup on all the time. Ugh, but I can’t help but think maybe I don’t understand the level of perfection that I feel IS or IS NOT acceptable. As in, I still think in some weird subconscious way there is still a beautiful perfect Mommy outcome. And while I believe this should look a certain way I continue to fail myself to my own standards So I will need to continue and explore this.
The competing and the daily mantra… I like to think of it as the saying “comparison is the thief of joy”. The saying I’m sure, may be applied to various situations and comparisons including the have and have not’s, but I like to think of it here. In the place of C and I, and our constant comparing of motherly practices, and routines, our comparison of efforts towards maintaining the house, or hours worked outside the home. the comparing (or competing) is stealing so much joy.
Lastly, I wish to share other recent developments through counseling. As much as it hurts my heart, C has pretty much had her ass handed to her in the last two sessions. It hurts my heart as it would anyone that loves their other half so much. I sit there and I just want to protect her and her feelings, I don’t want her to feel alone, silenced or ganged up on. I don’t want her to cry or feel bad. But I also can’t help that our counselor is saying the things I feel, she is mediating the discussion that is needed. I feel understood and most, most importantly I do not feel crazy. I have to remember that even if C doesn’t think it’s fair, this is why we decided to go to counseling. We decided that we need help and mediation in order to be better all the way around. We decided that a unbiased third party could provide us with some important down-to -earth mediation. I feel bad, even writing this now wondering what day C will ask to finally read my blog, what will she feel when she reads this? It’s a painful position to play but I feel like there is a value. Value to the honestly, and the struggle is a small but painful price to gained peace and understanding at home.

Couples Counseling- can we get a redo??

Yesterday was our first day of couple’s counseling. Yes, that is where we are, in need of an intervention, a mediator, someone to help sort out what is right and what is completely unreasonable craziness. I think the wife and I are both welcoming of it. I mean it is what it is. Wish we did not have to do this at all, sure that’d be great. But the fact is two wonderful women in love had a wonderful baby girl and life changed, a lot. And we still want exactly the same things, and believe in the same life path it’s just that we are on totally different wave lengths. And while we do not have blown out fights or anything, our multiple hour conversations never provide any resolution, and they end in a mash-up of tears, confusion, and exhaustion. We are doing this in an attempt to better understand each other, gain the tools we need to communicate, and be able to really understand the other person’s role and needs.
I think everyone in this planet could use some counseling and I believe in the benefits and the importance of it when needed. BUT, I am not telling anyone I know that we are going to couple’s counseling. So you can imagine how hard it was when I had such a weird session yesterday and I could not share it with anyone!
After a long time of looking at approved counselors in this work-related program and getting no where. I finally picked one. More like one morning I said to myself, I can not google or FB search anymore people, I’m picking one today!! First counselor I pick seems nice enough, web page describes the multiple counselor practice and the lead there is from Brigham Young University so I say no. To me Brigham Young= primarily Mormon university= not loving gays too much= equals running a practice and teaming with other counselors with the same feelings= could be not so comfortable for us. Yes that is passing judgement and I know not everyone who is Mormon thinks like that or everyone that goes to that university, etc., etc but I am trying to find someone we can work with and I am narrowing it down. So the next person also works for the practice so I go to the next name. I do one random search nothing alarming pops up, no sanctions or strange FB likes, so I have decided. Fortunately, she was able to start with us this week, AND on a day my wife and I were both off! Meant to be?
We arrive a few minutes too early and awkwardly attempt to look busy in our car. Her office is at her home. Sitting in her office she comes in and warmly greets us. There is something wrong with her eyes, I don’t know what, but there is. One eye had a very tired eye lid and at times seems to droop. Her eyes never both seem to be  focusing one almost looks to sit in a disinterested stare and the other eye is a little more alive. Immediately I think, don’t stare at the eyes, don’t stare at the eyes, don’t look at C, don’t look at C (my wife).
Post introductions our counselor makes us aware that if we are ever noticing her walking into things or stumbling over furniture she is not drunk, it is because she is legally blind. She explained her blindness is due to her diabetic condition which she has never taken good care of.
The session begins, some rules, some feelings, some back round. I am really over the blindness, and the eye thing. In fact it wasn’t really ever a “thing” but I know I had even begun to think about the advantage that she can not see me. She can not see me cry, I don’t want to cry, and I especially  don’t want people seeing me cry, so this may just work very well. Then there is a stop in my talking. I just finished a tearful summary of some of possible baggage I am bringing to this from my childhood, possible triggers that I am carrying with me. Tissues (that she offered) in hand, wiping a last tear or so. C and I look at her. She then tells us she is going to take a second and down something, some sugar, before she feels like she is going to pass out. Her husband meets her at the door (but we can not see him, only hear him) We wait as she continues sipping her juice explaining in between sips that she could go into convulsions. She describes all the spots she is seeing and she doesn’t want to talk yet, because she wants C and I “to get the best of her, and right now she is still having a hard time”. I assured her she was fine, and that she should have told us earlier so she could have stepped out so it didn’t get that bad. She then describes an occasion when she was doing a session with someone and awoke to the EMT’s working on her. Her client had to call 911 to help her, because she went into convulsions, or a seizure, or something! I joked, “so if you do that it’s not some kind of couples exercise to problem solve or something? ha ha”. She replied, “oh, no, it’s the real thing I mean it could happen.” She described more in-depth some things she was experiencing and the trouble she has and gets into. “Do I sound drunk right now? Am I talking strange” she asked at one point.
The appointment came to a close. we discussed meeting again. We were assigned homework. Then there was a knock on one of the doors her husband’s voice ” I need to leave and get out of the driveway”. The husband’s vehicle was in the garage and we parked in the drive way as she instructed, by the sign, labeled for clients of her counseling to park. We then told her we would just leave now, so we can move the car.

The wife and I digested all of this for a few hours…we were unsure if we should go back in hopes that this counselor’s personal medical concerns did not result in a less than effective appointment. C was really uncomfortable with this women’s demeanor and her nearly passing out in front of us. We had also just used one of only 6 appointments that our work gives us for couples counseling (with health insurance we have unlimited individual sessions). Should we really attempt to start over with someone else. I mean this counselor was very sweet and very nice and interested. I was wracking my brain for why I crossed paths with her… why did I end up here, what if no one else wants her to be their counselor? What is the universe trying to tell me? what message is God trying to give me. The more we talked, the more we knew we could not keep seeing this sweet women. We were not in the right position to take on some of these extra real concerns. This was just too far outside of our comfort zone, especially where we were at emotionally. Today I called our work program and canceled our remaining sessions, and got approval for a new counselor. They were also nice enough to bump me back to the original 6 sessions, given the reason we were going with a new counselor. We felt so terrible but that it was right for us. I felt like I owed her the truth and called her today. I got the counselor’s machine and sighed with relief because I was nervous. I kindly explained moving forward with someone else. I thanked her for her warmth, sincerity. that I valued how open and honest she was  with us regarding her serious medical needs and concerns, but that personally we were needing a different, more predictable environment at this time. I wished her the best and thanked her again. I welcomed her to call me back should she have any other questions.
I feel so bad for her. And as someone who truly feels there is reason and purpose in most everything and everyone, I wonder why I was supposed to meet her, what was I suppose to take away from that, it could be that I just don’t know yet.  It could be that it wasn’t so much about what I was supposed to take from her as maybe why she was supposed to meet us. Maybe the lesson wasn’t mine this time, maybe it was hers?
Anyhow, it’s on to the next counselor…